I miss my friend…

Tonight Hannah and I went to see dad and when we got there it was happy hour. So we stayed and visited with day in the common rec room.
He drank his beer.
I talked he mumbled…
Then I started to sing along with the music that was playing — Crystal Gale, Kenny Rogers, Don Williams and dad was singing with me!
So I started to dance with him… I held his hands and had my feet on either side of his footrest on the wheelchair and I moved him back and forth….
I can’t even honestly remember the last time my dad and I sang. The last time we danced was most likely my wedding in ’93.
Singing with dad took me back in time…
I was 10 sitting cross legged on the ‘dog house’ of one of the cab over trucks he was driving.
We were driving into the dark black night
We were singing to all the ‘classics” (well they are classics now…)
I could almost smell the semi, the gas…
I could hear my dad singing…
The engine roaring beneath my bum on the ‘dog house’…
I wanted to cry.
Since dad’s accident (going on 15 years) I haven’t had a lot of really close moments like that since most of the time he doesn’t know me…
But for about 10minutes tonight I did…
Then just as fast as he was there…
he was gone again…
Then the glaring looks started, and the mumbling, and then the final grunt and nothing…
Hannah and I went back to his room shortly after and just waited out our time…
The aides brought dad back to his room and got him into bed and I thot maybe then he would return
but no
just the looks and now silence
so I continued to chirp away and talk with him
but inside I was crying.
With everything that has happened in the last 2 years I just wanted to talk to him
my old friend
my daddy

The drive home was quiet with the kids and I drove in silence trying so hard to not burst into tears.
I feel like I am 6 now and just want to yell
“I WANT MY DADDY!”
But I don’t.
I won’t.
I can’.t
All I do is smile and get on with life…
What is anyone going to do?

Nothing.

There is nothing anyone can do…
Or anything they can say…
So why bother saying anything…

And all the while Albert (the ulcer issue) is singing and dancing in my stomach…at least someone is happy

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2 Comments

  1. Hang on to those beautiful memories Jodi.Cherish those "few" fleeting minutes you get with your dad – they are so precious. I wish I had those minutes – my dad died 16 years ago come Feb 27th. One of my best memories is a few months before he died I had an open house birthday party for him; I invited 50 ppl and over 100 came. My dad had brain cancer and didn't talk much if at all. My dad also wasn't the huggy sappy type… But as I walked by him towards the end of the evening he grabbed my hand, pulled me to him in a hug and said "you did good kid". I hugged him hard and told him how much I loved him. He went down hill really fast after that. But I will cherish those words forever.

  2. *hugs* i can't even begin to imagine how difficult this is for you. i'm so sorry. you and your family certainly have my prayers.

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