glass half full… and other stuff

this week has NOT been a stellar one for our house. (to be honest i cant think of when we last had one…) things have been so unbalanced, so turmoil filled, so brutally negative emotionally that i am glad to say that it is friday and a new week is just around the corner. but with that said it is BECAUSE of next week that this week has been what it is…
sam and i leave for wpg on sunday after lunch until wed. for his psych evalutions. he is not a happy camper about it and it is taking a toll on sam, and the rest of our house. he has been unreasonable with everyone about every little thing it seems, which is starting to grate on everyones nerves. if he is asked to do ANYTHING there is a sigh and a desperate need for the person to brace themselves for the coming onslaught of backtalk, disgust, crying and possibly yelling from sam.
i find it extremely hard some days to keep my temper (and to be sure … i have lost it a few times with him) and to try to remember that it is not always “sam” talking–some days (most days) it is the injury (or as we ‘joke’ — the bullet). I have had my fair share of crying jags this week while on the treadmill, driving to work, washing dishes, working out and just about anywhere you can think of.
I am struggling with trying to stay on top of everyones emotions and moods and not have any feeling that they are being left out or are forgotten in this new life we live…but somedays i desperately want to walk away and not look back. i want to wake up from this ‘dream’ and have things back to normal and be dealing with normal teens issues. I get extremely frustrated when i am trying to explain how our life is changed and how we now live to family and friends who ask how things are going and have them reply with “well he LOOKS like he is doing great!” I want to say to them (and i have on a few occassions) ‘you should come and be at our house in the morning before school or right after school, or when sam is having an ‘episode’…. things dont look quite so rosy then, trust me!” but mostly i say ” he is doing well physically’ and leave it at that.

sam moods and attitudes this week, i think, are due to next weeks impending appts. He gets very upset when he is having to talk about the accident. he will talk about some things of the day in generalities but overall he breaks down crying and sobbing. especially when he talks about one day inparticular…
we had been moved to the stepdown floor (out of PICU) and we had been there a few days already and the nurses had started to try to give sam a bit more independence–so they removed one side rail(now he was able to get up to use the bathroom) well i had been curled up on the chair beside his bed and sam was napping with his scar resting on the other side rail (he liked the feel of the cool metal on it) and he woke up and looked over to me and asked ‘who sat on my bed earlier?’ ..’no one was here’ i told him…’yes’ he repplies’ they were sitting here’ and at that he reached behind him and made a motion to tap the bed behind him but he stopped midair .. as if his hand were resting on something.’here they are’ he said.and he rested his hand there for a moment and went back to sleep as i said to him’there is no one there sammi’…. i had a strange feeling come over me when i said that and then almost a peaceful feeling. then i forgot about it until about a month later dennis asked me about it when we were at home (i had told him about the conversation that night when i was talking to him!)

when we talk about that day sammi always gets upset, which now makes me wonder not who was there with us but thankful that they were. we believe that it was sam’s angel. i am sure God sent him an angel to sit and watch over him and that day/moment he was so lucid sam could feel and possibly see his angel. it does make me wonder however why it bothers him so much…

today someone pointed out tat we are most definitely a country and a community of people that have very little reasons to complain. we have electricity, water, food, houses, cell phones, wiis, every possible new gadget that you can imagine… yet we do complain. we complain about such a wide variety of topics i am not even going to start. and it made me think… almost 6 months ago, we almost lost one of our children. we came undescribly close to losing something (someone) that can never be replaced… and yet i feel like i am complaining. our outcome in this tragedy could have been so much worse in so many ways other than death too! and here i type, complaining about how our lives have changed. i am going to try to work harder to see the blessings in our lives… a kind of half full glass, if you get what i mean!

**note** i started this post in the morning and i was hit with my ‘enlightenment’ after thefact of starting this post! i am keeping the beginning of the post still too tho. i do intend to work on the blessings but i also need to be honest and true to everything else… just not so much maybe?

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1 Comment

  1. Jodi – do you think Sam told someone else about his “angel” and they made fun of him? Maybe from a comment someone else made he feels dumb about it and talking about it make him feel that way even more. Not everyone believes in angels.As for his tantrums *sigh* I felt like I was reading a piece in my diary about my eldest daughter. She is 20 now but has been one trial after another (even now finds ways to continually press my buttons)- I have been in tears millions of times over her but have had to click into that unconditional love. It is so physically and mentally draining. I so feel for you. Some say that because I had such a difficult birth with her and that she was born with forcepts… I never thought there were anyone else out there that would know what I have gone thru – cause I too felt it was complaining when I should be celebrating the life of myself and hers. Sorry this is long and its rambling but your post hit home.

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